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Don’t be these people
If you’re one or more of these three people: Stop it
We’ve all seen them. Maybe you are them. The self-important, completely oblivious, road goblins. The left-lane philosophers who treat the gas pedal like a detonator. This isn’t just a list,it’s an intervention. Because somewhere out there, a zipper merge is skipped. A lifted pickup swerves toward a bicycle for no reason. And someone, somewhere, just slammed the brakes after changing lanes. Enough. Let’s name names. Let’s fix society starting with its most broken drivers. Let’s start with you.
The Turn Lane Blocker
You’ve seen them. Stopped as if there’s an invisible Minibus in front of them. Meanwhile, behind them? Ever expanding traffic. A growing line of blinking-light prisoners trapped behind the blob of driver who refuses to pull forward and let others enter the turn lane. The effect stacks, lanes fill. Intersections go from red to green to red with no traffic progress.
Worst of all? There’s always more than one of them. Some park behind an invisible mini cooper, some park behind a full-size city bus. One would be tempted to just slide in that space in front of them, and one would suggest they wouldn’t even notice.
What is the cause of this abberent behavoir? A total lack of depth perception? An addiction to cookie clicking their phone? Reading KaleCoAuto articles? We’ll let that one slide.
We rapped on the window of one of these mushrooms and gave a brief interview.
Interviewer: Why won’t you pull forward so people can get by?
Mushroom: What if I need to take off in a hurry?
The interviewer gestured at traffic all around before asking her next question.
Interviewer: And go where, exactly?
Mushroom: Somewhere else!
At this point the interviewer noted that the only place to go was into the generous space they left ahead of themselves.
What if you’re a mushroom? Just pull up a little. Leave a safe distance. If Wonder Woman can land her invisible jet there, you messed up.
The semi Truck LeapFrogger
You’re on a two lane road. You’re a reasonable and safe distance from the car ahead of you. In turn, that car is a reasonable distance from the car ahead of them. Everyone is going 20mph faster than the right lane, which is just a ten mile long parade of semi trucks. All is well. All is orderly. Then he arrives.
He’s in his car (It’s a lifted pick-up truck) nestled right up your bumper. He’s weaving back and forth like he’s heating his muddin’ tires up for the big race. The very moment there’s any space between two semis he’s going to make his move.
Full throttle, rolling coal, he cuts off the semi truck and comes up along your side. Before you can react, he’s a whisker away from scraping the bumper of the front semi, and merging into a space he doesn’t fit in front of you. Since you’re not a psychopath, you slam your brakes. He made it. The rolled coal lifts.
And he will do this. Over, and over, and over again. Invariably, he will come across someone that will not move. His net gain? He actually ends up far behind you because he keeps getting stuck between trucks. His next moves will be even riskier.
Our interviewer found one of these leapfroggers on the side of the road. Vehicle overheated. The door opened, a little rope ladder came down, and the driver climbed out of the vehicle.
Unfortunately, the driver could not offer a comment as he was cursing relentlessly in what sounded like a helium-induced trance.
What if you’re this angry little guy? Just go with the flow of traffic and don’t endanger everyone around you.
Grandpa When You Can’t Pass, F1 When You Can
The speed limit is 55 mph. There’s a single car in front of you. Sometimes it slows down to 38, sometimes it gets as fast as 60. One thing is for certain: If you get close, it slows down dramatically again.
It gets worse when there’s even the slightest turn in the road. Full brake likes, nose dive, this driver can’t turn the wheel unless the vehicle is at a crawl.
There’s some hope. A sign: Slow traffic use turn out.
But no, slow traffic no use turn out. Slow traffic just keep going.
You bargain with your creator. You’d be happy going 10 mph under if only this maniac could pick a speed. You know he has cruise control, why won’t he use it?
Then, like a blessing from the heavens, the double yellow becomes dashed on your side. You can pass. Heart pounding, you click your turn signal. But wait, where did he go?
Now he’s putting the hammer down. Screaming down the road approaching felony speed. Even if you have a faster car, it’s too late. There’s no safe passing speed at this point. But perhaps it’s OK. The driver woke up.
The dashes become solid double lines again. You catch up to the driver, and he’s back to modulating speed. Slamming his brakes in the corners. Passing by the turn outs like he ran into his ex at the BBQ.
And this pattern repeats over, and over, and over again. You have to wonder: Is this malicious, or can this actually be explained by stupidity?
We asked top behavioral scientists and KaleCoAuto and they said:
“It’s a rare condition known as Situational Velocity Dysregulation Disorder. Or, more commonly known as being a complete jackass. It’s only mildly contagious, but definitely hereditary.”
So what can you do?
Maintain your speed. Let people pass. If anyone is behind you, that turn out sign is for you.
Dishonorable Mentions
If this is you: Figure it out, or maybe call a ride-share service instead:
Swerving into the left lane to take a right.
You drive a Nissan Altima, not a big rig.
Waiting to pull out until there’s a car in the way.
Twenty seconds of open road? Nah. Let’s go now, when it’s a physics problem.
Passing someone just to immediately take the exit.
A bold strategy—risk it all to save four seconds and create more lane changes.
Pulling into the open lane at a stoplight, then accelerating like a dead turtle.
Looked fast. Wasn’t. Thanks for playing.
Using a zipper merge as a slingshot to pass everyone.
It’s called a zipper, not a catapult.
Acting like every polite merge is a personal affront.
They’re not cutting you off. They’re just functioning like a member of society. Try it sometime.
Driving in the left lane slower than the right lane.
This isn’t a protest. It’s a lane. Move over.
Refusing to speed up or slow down to merge.
We get it. Your signal is on. But there’s plenty of room in front of and behind the car you’re next to. Speed up or slow down. You’re not traffic Moses.
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